Dinner

For dinner, I prepared 200 calorie mash of vegetables, and as I was putting away the dishes, I saw the mound of dinner rolls I purchased earlier and proceeded to consume them. Usually I would destroy through the bag, but today, I had half a giant roll (~150 calories) and stopped. I actually stopped.

You see, stopping is always the hardest part. A relentless impulse repeatedly urges me to FINISH, FINISH, FINISH. Finish that bag of corn nuts. Finish that entire granola bar. Finish both granola bars. Finish that whole box of granola bars. As I crumple to the ground, battling waves of bloated nausea, I continue to shove food into my mouth. A binge is like being beaten, tortured by an invisible entity. If you don't do what it says, it will hurt you. As unreasonable and stupid and petty as it sounds, in that moment, in that utterly crucial moment--you just can't stop. You're scared. You're crippled by anxiety.

But today, I stopped. The first time in a long time where I didn't keep eating after a meal. I'm proud of myself because now I don't have to compulsively exercise, feel bloated, measure the circumference of my thighs.

Jeez, I'm a work in progress.