I just ate a tub of cream cheese. I don't know why I binge in the moments I do. My muscles tense, my heart palpitates rapidly, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I rummage so quickly through the fridge and pantry that I drop things all over the floor. It's anxiety, and I know it, but there's nothing I can tell myself that can make the physiological symptoms go away.
I binge in the morning, though recently I've started in the evening. I can last twelve hours in between meals, if I feel bad enough. It has nothing to do with body image, though recently I've been very disappointed with my weight gain. I guess two years of restriction finally caught up with me and now I'm paying my dues.
Tomorrow may be better, and I will try to get back to 1500 calories/day. I know I shouldn't be counting and instead eat until I feel satiated, but honestly I can't even tell if my body is satiated now. I can eat thousands of calories more, even if I'm filled to the brim and am gasping for air. I need to stick to counting because it gives me some sense of control.
(But counting is so dangerous. I know the calorie content of almost every food imaginable.)
Tomorrow may be better.
No, tomorrow will be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment