Post-failure

After such a good effort yesterday, I ate three dinner rolls at midnight. I felt uncontrollable as I shoved soft, milky bread into my mouth--great, another 1200 calories, I groaned. Tomorrow will be better, I promised myself.

And yet the first thing this morning, I ate another roll. Stuck the last roll in the fridge, determined not to eat it. Then paced around my kitchen, ate a couple of walnuts and pretzels, before whipping open the fridge and consuming the last roll. Screw it, I cursed. I then ate peanut butter ice-cream in ten second intervals, using my fingers to dig out the peanut butter swirls. I stuck it back in the fridge. Sat down on the kitchen floor, opening the fridge again before eating another few spoonfuls. I hated myself, wanted to throw myself out the window.

If I'm going to fuck up, might as well fuck up all the way.

Ate most of a chocolate granola bar, some pistachios, more walnuts, a bit of a caramel candy. Some sour cream, straight out of the tub. Raisins, chips. Ripped open a packet of grits and tried it. Tasteless.

In less than 30 minutes, I consumed my daily allotment of 2,000 calories. I hit the gym immediately afterward, running as fast I could. I felt bloated, terrible, slightly dazed. As I watched the timer click away on the treadmill, I thought about more efficient ways to burn calories. Increase incline, increase speed, run in interval bursts.

I keep thinking--I can't do this much longer. And yet, I continue to do so, after 2.5 weeks of struggle. I can't think of a catalyst to make myself change, because god knows therapy hasn't worked and shit self-promises haven't either. What will be my rock bottom, and do I have to hit rock bottom to change?

I need to follow a set of rules, I think:
1) No more sweets --HA! Yeah right. But I know sugar causes physiological addiction, so I need to cut it out. The first few days will be a struggle, but it must be done.
2) Replace trigger foods. Instead of eating chocolate or cream cheese, eat celery. Continue eating celery. Drink lots of water to the point of nausea. I have to drink myself to nausea because I don't respond to my bodily responses any other way--at least not now.
3) Not eat after meals. This will be a real struggle, so I'm thinking of either brushing my teeth or chewing gum. Gum hasn't worked, so maybe brushing my teeth.
4) Eat clean. If I don't recognize the ingredient, I'm not going to eat it. Again, this will be tough but it will cut out a bunch of hydrogenated oils I've been stuffing into my system.