It's Personal and Disturbing, but that's how it is

I don't have image issues. I don't read Cosmo, watch MTV shit, and think "She's so skinny, I want to be just like that!" When I don't binge eat, I look in the mirror and am fairly proud of myself. I'm intelligent, I'm very vocal about my beliefs and opinions, and I actually enjoy my life.

So why do I binge..I don't fucking know. Because I'm so good at controlling all aspects of my life, why I can control something as simple as food consumption? After a binge, I take off all my clothes and stare at my floor-to-ceiling mirror. I look at my lovehandles, my thighs, my breasts, my arms from 360 degrees. I rotate and stare at my body, which looked emaciated three months ago. I prod at parts that wiggle, wondering how I managed to get those after only two months. I lay on the ground, curl up in the a circle, tense all my muscles, and suppress the urge to scream.

I hate food. I hate how it entices me, makes me eat it, makes me feel horrible, makes me compulsively exercise, makes me want to throw myself against a wall and bash my head on the ground.

I know these posts are highly personal and somewhat disturbing. They go in-depth on the horrors of negative thought, and I keep it that way. It shows how fucked up binge-eating and eating disorders truly are.Yes, I know these can be triggers for those in recovery and those still suffering, but I want to know about the details of other people's issues. I want to understand if other people think I do, suffer like I do. Knowing that I'm not alone in my grotesque thoughts makes me want to fight for normalcy.