So Much for New Years Resolutions

I thought New Years would be a fresh beginning, a cleanse from three months of horrendous binge eating. On January 1st, I told myself--I would stop the daily 3,000-5,000 calorie feasts, the 4-5 hour gym workouts, the canceled dinner plans filled with apologetic excuses, the compulsive weighing, the failures at purging.

I had a little notebook calendar, 365 hopeful days of clean eating.1,200 calorie per day, I told myself. I did that for two years without physical writing records, why couldn't I do it now? When did I begin binging? Why can't I be anorexic again? Why can't I control?

I've researched the cures, the tricks, the remedies. Shit, I've studied them in school. But in that moment, in that excruciating moment of pure anxiety and agony, I can't control myself. I eat myself sick. 

So here I am blogging, hoping someone will read about my struggles, my successes. Maybe someone somewhere can keep me accountable as I start tomorrow anew. I won't wake up gassy and bloated, only to find myself rummaging through the fridge for strawberry cream cheese and dinner rolls. Maybe I won't come home from 2 hours at the gym and consume two tins of chocolate covered peanuts. Maybe I won't eat chef boyardee ravioli, cold from the pantry, not even microwaved because if I don't eat it right then and there, I'll lose my mind. Maybe I will actually eat brunch with my friends because I didn't eat an entire chocolate cake that morning and have to cancel because I wasn't "feeling good" or "because my car broke down" or "because I'm hungover". Maybe I won't get on the scale and worry myself into a panic attack because I gained 15 lbs in two months. God, just maybe.

I hope tomorrow I will wake up, eat a light breakfast of 400 calories, hit the gym, come back and have a healthy lunch.